Alright, new blog post here. As much as I really want this cancer to go the fuck away, I know that it's not very likely. I really want there to be some good news but alas, I can't help but feel like I am sort of at the high point and all there's left to do is go downhill... but I kind of refuse to think about that. I hope this Immunotherapy thing really works, I hope that my body has the capacity to actually fight this bitch of a cancer off.
Anyway, my point for today is that in the midst of going through something like cancer, people disappear and leave behind few- the few people that are truly there for you. Sure initially when everyone finds out they are pretty shocked and of course offer all the support in the world but the minute that there's a sense of stability... its like half the people in the room are gone... and that's fine.
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All the time there is always something to write and yet nothing. I haven't written in the last month or two mostly because... well, it was fairly uneventful. Uneventful isn't a bad thing though... it is good mostly when it comes to any illness or disease. Today however, I got the news that my first line treatment is not working or at least it's starting to be less effective with some new spots lighting up and some mild ascites. How great is that and all over again I'm confronted with my own mortality.
They say that death is a consequence of life- or course if one lives then it has to die, its the order of things and to think that I could be the one to escape the clutches of death even after being marked well, that would take some miracle and I'd probably suffer from some survivors guilt thing. Sometimes those miracles happen though but I happen to be a bit more cynical than that... No, I don't want to die, no one does because that really is all we as people have if you take away the extra additives of luxury, but do I secretly want to rest now? yes, I want this nightmare to end. I do know that is not what my loved ones want to hear. Of course I want to fight to live but I'll also be happy when this is all said and done whether its several months from now or years. But I do know that I don't want ascites again, I don't want a feeding tube, or to be hooked up to some machine, or to feel pain. The actual dying part seems to be the easiest but the journey to get there not so much. For now, I'll be on immunotherapy which isn't standard because... well, I'm Asian and there are some Japanese studies out there that show some added months with it used as second line treatment but I'm also scared that in the time my immune system takes to respond the cancer will just keep growing... three months and we'll see what happens. Whatever it is, I hope that immuno works despite what all the results seem to show. Buying a couple more weeks/months... is worth it I suppose. I worry that I'll be wasting it... that I have wasted some of it. But I also needed to just rest in bed and not care about the rest of the world... but I also haven't done a lot except maybe do some other creative writing. |
JiyaJust a 22 year old and her stomach cancer. Archives |